There is an expression here in Ireland (im pretty sure we dont use it in america....im starting to get confused on little things like expressions and ect.) - My head is wrecked....meaning you could be hungover, have a headache or be stressed out. (there is also an expression "wrecking my head" but thats more for when someone or something is annoying)
Well consider my head wrecked.
I'm not hungover, I dont have a headache, but I'm just so stressed and disappointed. and I'm so sick of feeling this way.
Living here in Ireland hasn't been a very smooth ride for me. I struggled quite a bit my first year and now that I'm halfway through my second year I feel like I havn't gotten any further towards goals and dreams that I have for my life here.
I feel so stuck. Trapped.
I had a good job in america. I had a good car. great friends. comfortable life.
I left it all behind. and sometimes....I really really regret it. Sometimes I just want to go home. I want to wave the white flag, stick my head in the sand. No more.
I went home for 3 weeks. It was great. I came back feeling refreshed- thinking "ok I can do this- I WILL get a new job I WILL make a more comfortable life for me and my husband."
Nothing. Nothing is happening. I've applied for hundreds of jobs. I've reworked my CV countless times. I get interviews but I always get rejections. I don't think I can stand the rejection anymore. Little disappointments overwhelm me.
I just don't understand. I can't figure out what it is. What essential thing am I missing that other people seem to have? What is it about me that is so undesirable as a candidate for employment?
I know that these feelings will pass. one day. But its just hard. I don't even want to apply for jobs anymore. I try and tell myself that I will not get my hopes up, to remain neutral, but inevitably I always do. I always start dreaming of opportunities that a new job will offer. and then, when the rejection email or letter arrives I can't help but to shed a few tears and become overwhelmed with bitterness.
Right now I don't even want to end this post on a positive note of any sort. I know I'm being a total killjoy at the moment but I need to get all of these swirling thoughts out before my brain explodes. I never knew how difficult things would be over here- trying to get ahead, trying to make a good life for myself and james. I feel so alone and so hopeless. If I knew before I left america what I know now....I'm not sure I would have moved over.