Monday, May 30, 2011

Its not me...its my head.

So we are getting ready for our trip to the states. Running errands, buying tons of goodies, sunscreen, clothes that we can wear in warm weather. (basically things we could never wear in Ireland)

I know that one night on the cruise is a fancy dress night- The captains dinner I believe, and that the dress will be formal. Its no problem for me, I actually had thought ahead before I moved from the States to Ireland and had taken a few formal dresses with me- perfect for the trip! Just pick one and pack it away- simples!

Well on Saturday I dragged James into the bedroom with me to go through all of our clothes (not what he likes being dragged into the bedroom for har de har har) since we plan on buying a lot in the states and replacing things that are worn out, have holes, fuzzballs, stains etc. (we seem to get a lot of holes/ discoloration in our laundry. Either we just buy cheap clothing or I suck at doing laundry...) so I wanted to throw out/ give away anything that we didn't want or couldn't wear anymore.

After cleaning out my closet I see the dress hanging up in the back. I decided to go ahead and try it on while I had a moment just to make sure that it still looked good and didn't need to be pressed. I slip it on over my head and asked James to zip it up for me. I've never had any problems with this dress fitting before so I wasn't concerned about fit at all. Well James comes over and starts zipping the dress. He gets about halfway and stops- he says the zipper wont go up anymore. I started to get annoyed and flapping my hands and trying to zip it up myself (which is pretty much impossible at where the zipper was stuck.) to no avail. The zipper was NOT going up.

Lets just say the next 20 minutes were not pretty. There were tears, they may have been ugly tears. I pretty much freaked out. There were threats of not going on the trip, of me never wearing a dress again, or eating ever again. (I think most of us can say we have all been at that place at one time or another....oy.)

Well the next day my good friend Lisa stopped by the house for coffee and a chat before we left for the states. I decided to ask her to see if maybe she could help me with my dress dilemma since girls are trained to handle these kinds of situations. I try the dress back on and Lisa takes about two seconds and the dress is zipped. I felt like a 20 pound weight came off my shoulders. I knew I needed another woman to help me. I love my husband but he does NOT understand how dresses work, or how to latch necklaces or bracelets, or why high heels hurt so much. (obviously, I mean why would he???) This is why I need my sister to be living near by (HINT HINT)!!

anyways yesterday this post really caught my eye. Lin was talking about body insecurities and man they were weighing heavy on my mind this week. I have some major insecurities and it seems like ever since I've moved to Ireland they have been worse than ever. I'm not sure if its being in a new culture or getting older or the fact that I've never had more trouble losing weight than at this time in my life (seriously its been SO FRUSTRATING). The whole dress drama just brought that fresh to the surface. I know that my husband will love me no matter what size I am, I know that I will have friends and the people that matter will accept me however I look. I need to find someway to learn to accept myself the way I accept other people and the way other people accept me. I have to say that I am my own worst judge and the pressure I put on myself doesn't help matters.

I mean, even if the dress didn't fit, even if anything in my closet didn't fit- I shouldn't be in a place that I can be so upset over it. I should be able to be rational about it, and be proactive. Not reactive. I think even if I lost everything I wanted to lose and then some I would still have body issues because the problem isn't my body, its my mind. Its seeing all of these people in the magazines and on television and hearing what woman SHOULD look like instead of reality. I think that I might start working on the mental side of my body for my sanity and I think James's too haha! (poor James, hes so patient!)

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* I only know you through the interweb & I love you (not in a strange stalker way, I swear)! I can relate so much to what's going on.

    The same day that post went live I had tried on a pair of jeans that had just fit 2 months ago but no longer zipped up :( It got me so mad that I just tossed on a loose fitting dress thinking I'd be more comfortable. Yeah dad later asked if I was pregnant because of that damn dress. There are bad days & then there are days like these when you just want to scream & cry.

    I'm glad your dress ended up zipping up but yeah us girls can get a little on the psycho side when it comes to our weight/body issues. Just remember, you're so not alone :)