Everything in its right place....maybe.

Hi ya'll

Sorry I have been so absent recently- there have been a lot of things happening in the Taylor household as of recent.

Life mainly, and all of the crap that goes along with it.

Our internet has been messed up again, so I can only use my husbands computer which I hate since it is specified to him and he is a total computer nerd, so basically its confusing and complicated to me, a computer dummy. So needless to say I stay off it and only use my broken iphone which doesnt let me do a lot.

Also our friend miguel has been staying with us for almost a month. He goes to school with James and was only back for the start of the semester and is leaving this week to go back to mexico to finish some work up with a band he was playing with down there. So he has been using the internet to work while he has been here, which has also kept me away from the computer.

But i think mostly I have stayed away from the computer because I am very homesick at the moment. Its easier to go about my daily chores and errands and watch tv and "numb out". When I go on facebook and blogger and I read about America or see things friends are doing back home I get very sad and its hard for me and my husband to be expressing these things constantly.

Its been so hard recently. ugh.

There are some days that I am SO SO ANGRY. and you know what? there is no one to blame, no finger to point. and that is frustrating.

I have been here almost 9 months, which is a drop in the ocean of time. Its nothing, but im so homesick. I just wanna go home. But i am home, and its upsetting.

(you will have to excuse my foul language for a moment here)

I miss everything. I miss my car, I miss my job, I missing the fucking streetlights. I even miss fucking wal-mart of all places. I miss my mom and sometimes even my bastard father. I miss my sister and her insane dog, I miss taco bell. I miss seeing dollar bills. I miss American accents. I miss "normal".

I was planning a trip home. But now that is laid to the wayside. I NEEDED to go home to do my taxes. That is still a necessity, but I may have to postpone those as well. This week we had some very detrimental financial bullshit happen. We have been getting social welfare, assistance, from the irish government. assistance that we are ENTITLED to per Irish law. My husband is in a program called "Back to Education" for mature students and gets the "dole" while he is in school. We were also able to get dependency for me through that and rent assistance. This on top of my meager salary has helped us pay our bills and buy groceries and put aside a little money every month and we have been comfortable on this money. Well things in Ireland have gone to shit financially in the last 2 months. My job has cut our hours severely and to put it very bluntly I am LUCKY to still be getting hours. My wages barely cover groceries and petrol at the moment.

Well without notice- the social welfare did a "means test" on my wages, based on a 40 hour week. Which i haven't worked in a while, and cut the money we are getting by two-thirds. And we lost our rent allowance. I know this is confusing unless you live in Ireland and aren't familiar with the system but basically we lost about 1,000 euros per month in one week with NO NOTICE. the money just wasnt there, and its not going to be there. so all of that money I saved for America?? its essentially gone. It now has to pay rent and bills. It sucks.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the services that they provide here, and feel lucky that I am able to access some of them, and also understand that for me, an immigrant, they dont HAVE to provide them for me. But FUCK. we were depending on that money, and now its gone. In the moment we needed it the most, its gone. And it has sent me into a further cycle of depression. I have been looking for jobs, but in Limerick they are so so hard to get. This city has been hit particularly hard by the death of the "celtic tiger" and it is hard for immigrants, much less anyone else, to find jobs here. They hire irish first. (even though they deny it)

Its been a lot harder for me to be here than I ever thought it was going to be. I feel very resentful about Ireland. I don't like living here. I feel like somedays I only see the bad sides of the country and the government and none of the good sides. Some of that, I recognize, is the culture here. People like to "give out" about things. But at the same time, they are fiercely prideful of Ireland and being Irish. They are the first to talk their country down and the first to defend it to the death. Its hypocrisy at its finest and it is rightly earned by them. the rest of my attitude?? its all me. I'm just sad. I have no one else here to bounce my feelings off of. When I am sad and upset and talk to my husband about it, he doesn't understand and he feels immense guilt over my sadness, which in turn makes me feel bad. Its not his fault he lives here, he didn't hold a gun to my head and make me move here, it was my choice. But its still not easy.

I think that any person who moved abroad can identify with these feelings. Its definitely a unique situation i think. Its almost masochism in a way. Self inflicted pain sometimes. I may be being a little dramatic here, but somewhat accurate. I didn't have to move abroad, I'm the one who saved and gave up and left behind. But I'm also the one who is missing things and people and a lifestyle. I feel like sometimes I cut off my own right arm and now I'm complaining because I can't write with my left arm.

I'm hoping that these feelings will pass- they have too. They have to be growing pains, and soon I will adapt and I will be happy and content here. I won't resent the weather and the way people say things and when something isn't the same as back home. That I will come to embrace the differences and feel pride in the Irish people and culture. Right now, not so much. I am totally taking advantage of my opportunity. I havn't been to see these amazing sites, I drive past 1,000 year old ruins daily with no second thought. But I hope with time and growth I will appreciate these things. I hope that I stop having nightmares about family members dying far away and I hope that I can accept my decisions without second guessing myself constantly. For now, things aren't that way and its hard.

So I know that some people who read my blog want to hear about at lot of cool things in Ireland, and trust me there are plenty of cool and unique and funny things that I want to tell you about. I will get around to those, I promise. I just need time. I need time to adjust, time to get back to who I am, and to be happy. There are more things to ireland than some expat bitching about the weather and bureaucracy.