oh thunder thighs why must you mock me so?

I have never been one to be known for my amazing self confidence but since I've moved to Ireland it seems I left my esteem back in the states. Must have been one of those things that I couldn't fit in one of my oversized suitcases.

I honestly feel like most of the problem stems from me being unemployed. A lot of my identity comes from work- I've always been a hard worker and have always found a lot of satisfaction in being busy and feeling like I have a purpose. Not that being unemployed doesn't mean I don't have a purpose, its just a real adjustment. There is also something that has come with my unemployment. About 10 pounds on my ass.

Now seriously, I know 10 pounds is not a lot, but when I felt like I already had 20 too much- I was not a happy camper. We were at a friends house all day yesterday and he happened to have a scale in his bathroom. I got on it and after converting the weight from stones to pounds I was a bitter Betsy. This is why I don't own a scale!!

I knew I had gained some weight, I've been in denial about it though! You know when you just don't feel as comfortable in your skin? That's me all the time! I hate how everything looks on me- I just "settle" on an outfit when we are going somewhere and I never feel sexy, or confident, or happy at the reflection in the mirror. And pants shopping in Ireland? Having to go up 2 sizes?? UGH. Lets just say I have made a solemn vow never, ever to pants shop in this country ever again. It's worth the price of a plane ticket back to the states.

Then, while all of these thoughts are swirling around my mind- my ex-boyfriend posts this on facebook (not on my page, but it was still unfortunate timing all the same). And to put salt in the wound, there is an ad for Dublin doughnuts on the side of the page. This article puts my swirling thoughts into hyperdrive. sigh. I tried a no-carb diet for a while- but between my monthly friend, vacation and drinks with friends it was not a success. So now I'm considering weight watchers. I may die of mortification going- Its almost like an announcement of "hey world I have a weight problem look at me look at me!" but obviously I do since I'm not happy with the number on that evil evil scale.

(I totally wanted to do the HCG Diet, which involves hormone drops and only eating 500 calories a day with some AMAZING results but my husband has put his foot down firmly on the fact that he will never, ever let me do that. probably for his sanity and mine.)

I think that I do need to do something drastic besides my usual half-hearted attempts at dieting, or stopping eating all together (my standard lose weight fall back, which obviously is not smart). Maybe doing it in a structured way will actually have some results and give me a much needed boost of self esteem- Which I need to do for not only me, but James as well because I don't think he can handle much more of me whining about being fat, ugly or whatever my current gripe is.

Also posting this on my blog is my way of outing myself so I don't say "OK that's it- I'm going to do something about this, and then shove back in my empty promises closet." Normally I keep anything like this completely private. So here's hoping that I don't wuss out and maybe I lose those 10 unemployment pounds!